June 7, 2024

S1 - EP4 - Sobriety and Grief: A Journey with Vicky Chadwick

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S1 - EP4 - Sobriety and Grief: A Journey with Vicky Chadwick
S1 - EP4 - Sobriety and Grief: A Journey with Vicky Chadwick
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Season 1

In this episode of Chatty-AF, Rosie Gill-Moss speaks with Vicky Chadwick, a widow who turned to alcohol to cope with the devastating loss of her husband to COVID-19. Vicky shares how she navigated the dark depths of grief and addiction, and how she made the life-changing decision to become sober. Together, they explore the role of alcohol as a crutch, the process of healing without it, and the impact on relationships.

Key Highlights:

  • How grief and addiction intertwined after losing a loved one
  • Vicky’s personal journey to sobriety and how it changed her life
  • The struggles and victories of facing life without alcohol
  • The social challenges of staying sober in an alcohol-centric culture

Why You Should Listen:
This episode offers a raw and relatable discussion for anyone dealing with loss, addiction, or supporting someone through these challenges. Vicky’s candid story highlights the complexities of grief and the difficult path to sobriety.


Connect with the show
Web : https://www.chatty-af.com/
Instagram : @chatty_af_podcast and @rosie_gill_moss

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Disclaimers: The content of this podcast is for informational purposes only. The experiences and opinions expressed by the guest are personal and should not be taken as general advice. Listeners are encouraged to seek professional support for similar issues. The producers and host are not responsible for any actions taken based on the information provided in this episode.

Chapters

00:00 - Introduction and Technical Difficulties

08:18 - Choosing Sobriety: A Journey of Self-Discovery

27:33 - Exploring the World Sober: A New Perspective

39:37 - Feeling and Processing Emotions Without Alcohol

50:49 - Advice for Those Questioning Their Drinking Habits

Transcript
WEBVTT

00:00:02.495 --> 00:00:04.445
Hello welcome back . You're here with me.

00:00:04.475 --> 00:00:06.246
That's your host, Rosie Gill-Moss.

00:00:06.266 --> 00:00:22.975
And today's topic, we're going to be talking about sobriety and the challenges of beating the demon drink when you are, when you're widowed, when you're processing some really big emotions and also kind of the life that it gives you afterwards.

00:00:23.800 --> 00:00:27.201
So my guest today is Vicky Chadwick from Barnsley.

00:00:27.210 --> 00:00:29.850
You might recognize the accent because that's where John's from.

00:00:30.431 --> 00:00:33.701
And Vicky came on to my other podcast, a few months ago.

00:00:34.390 --> 00:00:36.621
And we just really, we really got on.

00:00:36.750 --> 00:00:39.201
She came to talk about losing her husband, Kevin.

00:00:39.280 --> 00:00:42.701
And, but one of the topics that came up was alcohol.

00:00:42.771 --> 00:00:56.496
And since then, Vicky has, um, She has embarked on her own journey of sobriety and we've sort of supported each other and I really wanted to talk to her on the mic as it were and find out how life has changed.

00:00:56.576 --> 00:01:04.115
So the next voices you'll hear will be me and Vicky and we're going to be talking about drinking or not drinking as the case may be.

00:01:04.115 --> 00:01:07.305
Hello and welcome to the podcast Vicky Chadwick.

00:01:07.305 --> 00:01:08.546
Hello Vicky, how are you?

00:01:08.590 --> 00:01:09.331
I'm good, thank you.

00:01:09.331 --> 00:01:09.900
How are you?

00:01:10.331 --> 00:01:11.421
I'm very, very well.

00:01:11.421 --> 00:01:12.900
It's really lovely to see you.

00:01:13.331 --> 00:01:27.760
Now, for listeners who have been following the Widowed AF podcast, some people may recognise your voice or your name, and Vicky came on to talk about being widowed as fuck, obviously, and you, your husband Kevin, died of Covid, didn't he?

00:01:27.850 --> 00:01:28.521
It did, yeah.

00:01:29.411 --> 00:01:41.100
So that's, that is a pretty, it's a bleak way to lose anybody, but to lose them from COVID during a pandemic, it's, you know, it's going to take an enormous toll on your mental health.

00:01:41.180 --> 00:01:44.551
And one of the things that we talked about was alcohol.

00:01:44.756 --> 00:01:52.725
And how both of us had used it as a crutch and ended up finding ourselves a little too dependent on the old juice.

00:01:53.626 --> 00:01:57.486
And since then, um, you and I have just been chatting a little on WhatsApp.

00:01:57.986 --> 00:02:00.335
I realize I'm saying this to you like you don't know, the business.

00:02:00.766 --> 00:02:06.115
And, um, um, we kind of, and you made the monumental decision to go sober yourself.

00:02:07.100 --> 00:02:10.441
I'm really proud of you, if that's not a patronising thing to say.

00:02:10.830 --> 00:02:17.980
But also I think that it's really important we talk about it because it is one of the most common coping mechanisms, well, by humans.

00:02:18.350 --> 00:02:23.531
But particularly in our society, you drink when you're happy, you drink when you're sad, you drink to celebrate, commiserate.

00:02:23.670 --> 00:02:31.670
And it's actually a really effective kind of I guess numbing at all when you're feeling a lot of pain.

00:02:32.100 --> 00:02:38.811
So to kind of climb back out of that and to face life head on, as it were, it's pretty tough going.

00:02:39.330 --> 00:02:46.800
Um, so I wanted to ask you, um, if you would just kind of tell me a little bit about how alcohol became a problem for you.

00:02:46.841 --> 00:02:50.010
I mean, you know, you, you tell me what you want in your own way.

00:02:50.050 --> 00:02:52.640
As I said to you before we came on mic, we're kind of winging this, right?

00:02:52.950 --> 00:02:53.531
doing this today.

00:02:53.790 --> 00:02:57.420
Um, so, I had always been a drinker.

00:02:57.790 --> 00:02:58.621
From being young.

00:02:58.881 --> 00:03:02.381
Um, on park at 15.

00:03:02.711 --> 00:03:02.860
Drinking.

00:03:03.526 --> 00:03:04.186
White lightning.

00:03:04.230 --> 00:03:04.651
Yep.

00:03:04.830 --> 00:03:06.080
And bottles of Lambrini if it were.

00:03:06.395 --> 00:03:06.746
Oh.

00:03:07.341 --> 00:03:09.270
If we'd got, um, some good pocket money.

00:03:09.800 --> 00:03:10.330
But yeah,

00:03:10.336 --> 00:03:12.445
And you could persuade somebody to go in the shop for you, that was always like.

00:03:12.760 --> 00:03:13.510
that were it.

00:03:14.191 --> 00:03:16.941
So, I had always liked to drink.

00:03:17.631 --> 00:03:22.830
Um, but then when Kevin passed away, it became a bit of a problem.

00:03:22.830 --> 00:03:31.270
So, the doorstep drops when Kevin died were gin, wine, and anything else anybody thought that would help me.

00:03:31.651 --> 00:03:32.110
Um,

00:03:32.246 --> 00:03:32.996
relate to that.

00:03:33.151 --> 00:03:35.760
so I was sat at home on my own.

00:03:36.295 --> 00:03:42.475
Most of the time, um, just drinking, because it, it, it turned off the feelings.

00:03:42.996 --> 00:03:53.575
The feelings were gone, um, after I'd had a drink and I could go to sleep and not worry about it until the feelings were ten times worse the next morning.

00:03:53.575 --> 00:03:54.221
Um,

00:03:54.235 --> 00:03:55.656
And then what do you do to deal with those?

00:03:56.316 --> 00:03:56.806
Right?

00:03:56.825 --> 00:04:01.241
the drink, yeah, so when we were in lockdown, I couldn't wait for lockdown to finish.

00:04:01.241 --> 00:04:05.876
I wanted to go to pubs with my friends, wanted to sit and have a drink with them.

00:04:07.411 --> 00:04:14.431
But yeah, then it started to become a three day weekend, four day weekend, and so on and so forth.

00:04:14.820 --> 00:04:18.670
So I did start to just drink myself into oblivion.

00:04:19.110 --> 00:04:24.151
Never knew what time of day it was, who I was, what my name was, by the end of it.

00:04:24.151 --> 00:04:29.490
Um, and then I'd go home, on my own, and then the feelings were there.

00:04:30.310 --> 00:04:35.261
Um, it did come to a point where I did try to take real life.

00:04:36.591 --> 00:04:36.940
Vicky.

00:04:37.480 --> 00:04:39.651
after a pretty heavy session.

00:04:40.350 --> 00:04:45.826
Um, And you would have thought at that point that's when it would stop, but it didn't.

00:04:46.406 --> 00:04:59.286
I still carried on and carried on, until it got to July last year, um, and I went to a friend's birthday party, which I can remember arriving at the birthday party, and I can't remember anything after that.

00:05:00.065 --> 00:05:07.365
Um, and again, I ended up in my house, on my own, bearing in mind that I'm still in my house, it's completely empty.

00:05:07.365 --> 00:05:08.685
Um.

00:05:09.875 --> 00:05:33.276
However, for some reason, there was some coco de mel, um, and it happened again, to the point that my family, my friends begged me to stop, and that day I woke up with the worst headache I've ever had, worst hangover, I hated myself, I hated everything, I hated everyone around me, um, and that was the point that I decided, right, this is it.

00:05:34.286 --> 00:05:42.346
My sister was sober, she got sober about a year before me, um, And she was like, it's going to be the best thing you've ever done.

00:05:42.826 --> 00:05:49.706
And when I was drinking, I was thinking, oh yeah, yeah, you said this, and you just think you're better than anybody else, and because you can do it.

00:05:51.766 --> 00:05:56.086
weren't, she were right, and she has helped me through it, like massively.

00:05:56.656 --> 00:05:57.225
Um,

00:05:57.430 --> 00:05:59.961
me goosebumps, actually, because it's so true.

00:05:59.961 --> 00:06:01.880
I don't know anybody that's ever regretted getting

00:06:01.966 --> 00:06:03.355
yeah, definitely not.

00:06:03.625 --> 00:06:08.565
And it were hard, so hard for the first few weeks.

00:06:09.435 --> 00:06:11.415
All I wanted to do was go out and have a drink.

00:06:11.985 --> 00:06:17.026
And I knew that if I put myself into that situation that I would do it.

00:06:17.266 --> 00:06:18.346
So I didn't.

00:06:18.855 --> 00:06:21.716
I kept myself locked away for a little bit.

00:06:22.216 --> 00:06:33.386
But now I can go out and drink alcohol free and um, My friend's a manager at a pub and they've got alcohol free ciders in for me, so it's nice that I've got support.

00:06:33.875 --> 00:06:35.656
Some people aren't as supportive.

00:06:36.425 --> 00:06:41.206
Some people say, well just have one, but I can't just have one.

00:06:41.915 --> 00:06:42.776
I don't do one.

00:06:42.800 --> 00:06:50.161
find it really insulting, Vicky, as well, because essentially what they're saying is you're only fun if you have a drink, which is kind of rude.

00:06:50.500 --> 00:06:53.300
And also, unlike you, who has one drink?

00:06:53.300 --> 00:06:55.158
Like, what kind of

00:06:55.185 --> 00:06:56.886
have one, and I could never just have one.

00:06:57.466 --> 00:07:03.846
One weren't enough, and two, as I say, those were too many because I just carried on and carried on and carried on.

00:07:04.396 --> 00:07:09.096
And at what point that I would just, like I say, I never, I never remembered getting home.

00:07:09.096 --> 00:07:14.036
I never, I don't know what could have

00:07:14.295 --> 00:07:15.485
It's quite scary, isn't it?

00:07:15.526 --> 00:07:25.886
Because I'm, like you, I, I started drinking very young, and I think back, and primarily kind of my teens, my early 20s, you know, the risk taking behaviours I, I, I was involved in.

00:07:26.386 --> 00:07:31.216
But actually, when Ben died, I was in a bit of, I mean, I was in a state like you.

00:07:31.216 --> 00:07:36.906
I would, I would wake up the next day and I genuinely feel like I had, well, I had, I poisoned myself.

00:07:37.255 --> 00:07:40.576
Um, I would have, you know, random people come to my house.

00:07:40.625 --> 00:07:43.605
I was, you know, I wouldn't remember whether I'd put my children to bed.

00:07:43.656 --> 00:07:48.245
Like, it fills me with so much shame now to think about it.

00:07:48.245 --> 00:08:02.615
But, you know, I know so many people who are doing the same thing, and because we don't talk about it, because you think of alcoholism as being, you know, the guy on the park bench, or people, you know, losing their homes, you don't think that it happens to kind of normal women like us.

00:08:03.295 --> 00:08:23.550
And like, you know, I said before, you know, this kind of alcohol, um, alcohol celebrating society that we're in, People can't imagine how you can possibly have a good time without it, or how you can socialise, and much like you really, I, I wanted to sort of hide away when I first got sober because I didn't know how party rose as I sort of christened her.

00:08:23.911 --> 00:08:26.661
She, she knew what to do in a social situation.

00:08:26.680 --> 00:08:29.690
She knew to get drunk and, you know, chat shit to everybody.

00:08:30.310 --> 00:08:32.875
And I wasn't an unpleasant drunk, which I think was probably what caused it.

00:08:33.025 --> 00:08:43.416
Enabled me to drink as long as I did because I was party rose, but it's that self loathing It's a waking up and thinking I've done it again and the bargaining just don't drink on a Wednesday.

00:08:43.475 --> 00:09:04.061
Um, and I just I I honestly I I can't see I'm trying to think of a different way of saying this but I think perhaps if I hadn't had the kids I probably would have ended up in the same situation because it's You feel so disgusted with yourself, you can't imagine how you can possibly live without it, but you don't want to live with it anymore.

00:09:04.671 --> 00:09:07.831
And I, I'm so glad that you're still here.

00:09:07.956 --> 00:09:08.225
Yeah.

00:09:08.285 --> 00:09:08.796
Thank you.

00:09:09.456 --> 00:09:15.995
And I mean, my family have said like, I'm a different person now and like, I look diff Yeah.

00:09:16.056 --> 00:09:16.926
Look different.

00:09:16.926 --> 00:09:19.775
And, and I've got my own smile back.

00:09:19.895 --> 00:09:21.365
'cause I, I never used to admit that.

00:09:21.471 --> 00:09:22.030
I don't remember.

00:09:22.115 --> 00:09:24.456
I used to just say, oh, I'm just really tired.

00:09:24.591 --> 00:09:26.735
I'm just going back to bed right now 'cause I'm tired.

00:09:27.605 --> 00:09:31.056
Um, I, were never ready to say, yeah, it's, it's an issue.

00:09:32.025 --> 00:09:32.086
Um,

00:09:32.890 --> 00:09:36.931
My dad's a recovering alcoholic, and I say this, but he's actually been sober, I think.

00:09:36.931 --> 00:09:37.900
He could go.

00:09:37.900 --> 00:09:38.041
I think so.

00:09:38.495 --> 00:09:40.066
I think 25 years now?

00:09:40.135 --> 00:09:41.216
I can't remember the exact dates.

00:09:41.316 --> 00:09:46.456
Um, and he got, I didn't realise this at the time, but he got sober at 41, which is the same age I was.

00:09:46.926 --> 00:09:54.375
Um, and because my mum obviously lived with a drinker, and they know the signs, and she would try and say to me, you know, you're drinking too much, and I just got angry.

00:09:54.605 --> 00:09:58.395
You're controlling, I'm a grown up, you know, you can't tell me what to do.

00:09:58.885 --> 00:10:05.375
And my dad kind of took a back seat, because I guess he knew from having been through it himself, you cannot tell an alcoholic to stop

00:10:05.826 --> 00:10:06.186
No.

00:10:06.571 --> 00:10:09.191
The more you tell somebody to stop drinking, the more they're going to drink.

00:10:09.250 --> 00:10:18.341
And I, I don't, for me, the catalyst came about, I was, I woke up on my 40th, it was the morning after celebrating my, my 40th birthday, but a year later.

00:10:19.270 --> 00:10:23.421
And I just, I thought to myself, I'd have called an ambulance if I didn't know I'd done this to myself.

00:10:23.541 --> 00:10:26.341
And I didn't, I hadn't eaten a mouthful of the food in the restaurant.

00:10:26.691 --> 00:10:28.581
I didn't remember any of the conversations.

00:10:29.110 --> 00:10:35.740
So you think that, In that, when you're drinking, you think you're doing it to enhance your life, but all you're doing is numbing it.

00:10:35.740 --> 00:10:37.000
You don't remember it.

00:10:37.025 --> 00:10:38.015
don't remember anything.

00:10:38.015 --> 00:10:44.400
And I mean, the amount of times I've had to apologize to people for my behavior from the night before and

00:10:44.630 --> 00:10:46.791
The scroll of your phone to see what you did.

00:10:46.791 --> 00:10:51.025
Oh

00:10:51.125 --> 00:10:51.666
night?

00:10:51.696 --> 00:10:52.625
Things like that.

00:10:53.035 --> 00:10:55.375
Um, I think my best friend must have had about.

00:10:55.916 --> 00:10:58.946
20 bunches of flowers from me for an apology for next day.

00:11:00.475 --> 00:11:04.485
Um, but yeah, it's, it was just, it was just getting out of hand.

00:11:04.485 --> 00:11:08.745
And I went on holiday last year, um, and I was drinking then.

00:11:09.395 --> 00:11:14.285
And every night it was, oh, can I beat as many shots as I like before?

00:11:14.586 --> 00:11:18.171
One night it ended up being, I think it was 13 tequilas.

00:11:18.581 --> 00:11:22.321
god, I say it like that, but I've done half a bottle, no problem.

00:11:22.530 --> 00:11:29.520
and whatever other drinks I'd been having throughout the night, and the next morning I woke up with a busted nose and two black eyes because I'd fallen over.

00:11:29.530 --> 00:11:30.620
I can't remember a thing.

00:11:31.900 --> 00:11:32.441
To this day.

00:11:32.446 --> 00:11:33.306
is the thing, isn't it?

00:11:33.836 --> 00:11:48.826
You lose your sort of coordination as well and you kind of get all dressed up and go out for a night out and then you, and I'm talking about myself not you personally, but you're sort of stumbling around with mascara and a eyelash hanging off and you think, what did I go to all that effort for if I was just going to get shitfaced, right?

00:11:50.500 --> 00:12:01.480
Um, I do struggle a little bit now with the confidence side of things, because I was saying to my sister the other day, um, we're going to a sober event in Manchester.

00:12:01.480 --> 00:12:01.520
Yeah.

00:12:01.966 --> 00:12:04.682
in May and I'm like, Oh, what should I wear?

00:12:04.682 --> 00:12:08.275
And I said, Oh, I've seen this skirt, but I don't know if I'm confident to wear it.

00:12:08.535 --> 00:12:11.716
But before I'd have wore it because two drinks later I wouldn't have cared what I looked like.

00:12:11.730 --> 00:12:12.240
have cared.

00:12:13.360 --> 00:12:18.620
No, I'm the same and I found I got real kind of social anxiety when I've been such a social creature.

00:12:19.240 --> 00:12:26.091
And I was cancelling, you know, arrangements and I guess I kind of became not quite reclusive, that's a bit far.

00:12:26.091 --> 00:12:29.971
But I was very much, yeah, I didn't know how to conduct myself.

00:12:29.990 --> 00:12:33.390
I would overthink before an event, like what will we talk about?

00:12:34.390 --> 00:12:36.321
I couldn't, I couldn't fathom how I would even start.

00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:48.110
I mean, you know, there's a hun, like there's about 200 hours of me talking out there and in the wild world now, so I don't have a problem with talking, but it's that, and I'll tell you what is I just before, um, we recorded, I messaged you, didn't I?

00:12:48.120 --> 00:12:49.130
So I've just come back from Zumba.

00:12:49.561 --> 00:12:51.240
Um, I'm quite new to doing Zumba.

00:12:51.240 --> 00:12:54.331
I've done about four classes, um, and I really like it.

00:12:54.331 --> 00:12:56.671
But the reason I've started is because I cannot dance.

00:12:56.985 --> 00:13:03.025
And it really pisses me off because I loved nothing more than losing myself on a dance floor.

00:13:03.025 --> 00:13:07.885
I thought I was bloody Beyonce, you know, do the slut drop and then struggle to get back up again with my old knees.

00:13:08.605 --> 00:13:11.275
But it's, so I sort of pushed myself to go into this.

00:13:11.326 --> 00:13:17.615
It's a, you know, a community centre and I am probably the youngest person there, but it's quite freeing and liberating.

00:13:18.135 --> 00:13:20.275
But there's always things that you can't do.

00:13:20.995 --> 00:13:29.235
You don't realise how that kind of veneer or that kind of ready brick glow of alcohol enabled you to walk into a situation and feel confident.

00:13:29.855 --> 00:13:33.056
And it's, it's more daunting now walking into something.

00:13:33.056 --> 00:13:35.916
I've started a pole daunting class.

00:13:35.916 --> 00:13:36.566
I don't know

00:13:36.775 --> 00:13:38.905
shut up! Have you?

00:13:38.910 --> 00:13:42.030
Yeah, I've only done two classes,

00:13:42.566 --> 00:13:43.676
I love this so much.

00:13:43.961 --> 00:13:45.910
but I am rubbish.

00:13:45.910 --> 00:13:49.400
Oh, definitely, yeah.

00:13:49.461 --> 00:13:50.740
Yeah, there's bruises all over.

00:13:51.171 --> 00:13:52.870
Um, but I can't do it, but

00:13:53.655 --> 00:13:53.836
Who

00:13:54.441 --> 00:13:55.091
it's fun.

00:13:55.360 --> 00:13:58.671
And I have a laugh with the girls that I go out with, we have fun.

00:13:59.160 --> 00:14:03.711
Um, but I don't think I'd ever have walked into a situation like that.

00:14:04.291 --> 00:14:13.010
So yeah, that's the difference as well because actually, although you can have that confidence and you know, be the party girl and on the dance floor, walking and doing something like that sober?

00:14:13.020 --> 00:14:14.441
No way.

00:14:14.551 --> 00:14:15.160
No way.

00:14:15.160 --> 00:14:26.910
And actually, I messaged my friend the other day and said, um, I'm thinking about doing pole dancing classes because one of my guests is a pole dancer, she's a bare less dancer, she's incredible, and she, and I was watching her videos, I was like, yeah, I wanna do that.

00:14:27.471 --> 00:14:30.791
And she said to me, yeah, but what about when you have to go on the floor and be all sexy?

00:14:30.791 --> 00:14:31.591
And I was like, oh yeah.

00:14:31.900 --> 00:14:32.780
I don't know if I can do that.

00:14:33.701 --> 00:14:35.980
See, it's not easy but, um, it's fun.

00:14:36.341 --> 00:14:36.691
And it's

00:14:36.841 --> 00:14:37.811
Oh, I think it's brilliant.

00:14:38.030 --> 00:14:39.091
Really good for you too, huh?

00:14:39.311 --> 00:14:39.410
event.

00:14:39.610 --> 00:14:40.750
Yeah, it's good, yeah.

00:14:41.380 --> 00:14:45.171
Um, it's just a different social event rather than just going and sitting in a pub.

00:14:45.951 --> 00:14:50.791
And it makes you broaden your horizons a little bit because in my entire social life was alcohol.

00:14:50.791 --> 00:14:51.890
Come to my house, open a bottle.

00:14:51.890 --> 00:14:54.015
Go out, open a bottle.

00:14:54.015 --> 00:14:57.628
And when you're not drinking, you realise how insipid it is.

00:14:57.628 --> 00:14:59.260
Like it's, um, school sports day.

00:14:59.260 --> 00:15:00.341
I said it in Prosecco.

00:15:00.370 --> 00:15:00.921
I kid you not.

00:15:01.370 --> 00:15:05.061
The trampoline park, like the place where your kids are most likely to injure themselves.

00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:06.250
They sell alcohol.

00:15:06.811 --> 00:15:13.066
So, you It kind of, yeah, it forces you to find something else to do something that you perhaps wouldn't have done.

00:15:13.066 --> 00:15:17.755
Like I started yoga and I absolutely love it to the point that I'm considering training to teach it.

00:15:17.755 --> 00:15:39.355
You know, the old me would never have even, I mean I couldn't touch my toes Vicky, but it's, but you, like, and actually what I found was you have got a lot of time when you stop drinking and you do need to fill that time otherwise you, um, yeah, didn't even know there was a Sunday

00:15:39.451 --> 00:15:43.660
Yeah, I used to be getting in at 6 o'clock on a Sunday morning, not waking up.

00:15:43.660 --> 00:15:44.831
No.

00:15:44.895 --> 00:15:46.145
went out with a friend last night.

00:15:46.145 --> 00:15:46.676
See, this is it.

00:15:46.676 --> 00:15:48.785
I've, I've, I've, I went out into London last night.

00:15:48.785 --> 00:15:49.975
Went for a meal on my own.

00:15:50.375 --> 00:15:51.796
Got the, no, I didn't eat on my own.

00:15:51.865 --> 00:15:52.645
I went, I met a friend.

00:15:53.005 --> 00:15:54.566
And we went to university together.

00:15:54.635 --> 00:15:56.365
And we were, she still drinks.

00:15:56.365 --> 00:15:58.706
But we, we, I was like, we were having mocktails last night.

00:15:58.706 --> 00:16:02.785
And we were saying, I was like, Oh, you know, there's a train at half past nine.

00:16:02.836 --> 00:16:03.706
So I'm going to try and get that one.

00:16:03.946 --> 00:16:07.571
And she was just like, This is, we're different now, aren't we?

00:16:07.880 --> 00:16:13.600
But we still had a fantastic time because anything that would have happened after half past nine, I wouldn't have remembered anyway.

00:16:14.410 --> 00:16:15.091
definitely not.

00:16:15.461 --> 00:16:19.921
I used to want, if we were going out for a night out, I'd be like, Oh, shall we meet in pub at three?

00:16:20.370 --> 00:16:20.910
Yeah.

00:16:21.600 --> 00:16:22.900
I have a couple before you went as well.

00:16:23.441 --> 00:16:24.010
Warm up.

00:16:24.211 --> 00:16:25.091
Yeah, definitely.

00:16:25.750 --> 00:16:35.380
And I never wanted the night to end either, so that's why I'd get myself in trouble because I would go on to like dodgy clubs and because I knew that, because you know what's coming, don't you?

00:16:35.431 --> 00:16:38.020
The second you sober up, you're going to feel horrible.

00:16:38.110 --> 00:16:39.041
You hate yourself.

00:16:39.681 --> 00:16:45.191
Um, but yeah, I used to be the last person to go home from anywhere.

00:16:45.421 --> 00:16:47.711
Um, sometimes birds were treated and

00:16:48.201 --> 00:16:49.010
Oh, that sound,

00:16:49.280 --> 00:16:53.000
it was first thing in the morning or even next day that it carried on.

00:16:53.480 --> 00:17:00.791
And it just got, it just got out of control and I'm glad that I got control of it because if not I probably would have been dead.

00:17:01.541 --> 00:17:03.301
Or in a bad way.

00:17:03.466 --> 00:17:03.791
given me.

00:17:03.910 --> 00:17:04.810
That's given me a shiver.

00:17:05.290 --> 00:17:05.530
Yeah.

00:17:05.546 --> 00:17:06.730
I, I, I agree.

00:17:06.730 --> 00:17:10.151
I'm not, and I can't speak for you, but I, I feel the same.

00:17:10.181 --> 00:17:13.185
It was getting to a point where I was gonna lose everything because.

00:17:14.236 --> 00:17:23.395
It wouldn't have been fair on John, it wasn't fair on my kids, and actually my middle son said to me the other day, You, um, oh, you, I don't, you never really drink, do you mum?

00:17:23.425 --> 00:17:26.645
Like, I think I saw you have some wine once and I was like, Mmm, okay.

00:17:27.066 --> 00:17:27.605
Let's go with that.

00:17:27.730 --> 00:17:28.070
Yeah.

00:17:28.655 --> 00:17:35.175
But my eldest, he, um, he's 14 and he's very kind of emotionally mature and much smarter than I am.

00:17:35.605 --> 00:17:37.806
And he said to me one day, can I ask you something?

00:17:37.806 --> 00:17:40.445
It's all done on text because that's how teenagers communicate now.

00:17:40.905 --> 00:17:42.695
And, um, I was like, yeah, yeah, cool, anything.

00:17:42.736 --> 00:17:45.465
And he asked me what it was like being addicted to alcohol.

00:17:45.566 --> 00:17:47.566
Um, I think it's part of something he's doing for school.

00:17:48.425 --> 00:17:51.596
But I thought oh god, like, how frank should I be here?

00:17:51.635 --> 00:18:02.211
And in the end I opted for pretty frank actually because There is a proven hereditary link, you know, the fact that you and your sister have both struggled, me and my dad, my brother also doesn't drink.

00:18:02.730 --> 00:18:08.381
Um, so my kids need to be aware that there's a chance that they might have a predisposition towards alcoholism.

00:18:08.480 --> 00:18:15.080
And so I think, much like we're doing here and sort of shining that light onto it, I think it's really important that they are aware.

00:18:15.931 --> 00:18:22.971
But yeah, it's um, it was quite strange to kind of talk to my child about being in addiction, yeah, that was weird.

00:18:23.621 --> 00:18:23.951
It's,

00:18:25.496 --> 00:18:29.846
Now, you've mentioned that your sister is sober as well and she got sober about a year before

00:18:30.101 --> 00:18:30.461
yeah.

00:18:30.875 --> 00:18:31.276
Yeah.

00:18:31.895 --> 00:18:34.175
And, did your parents drink?

00:18:34.980 --> 00:18:35.671
Uh, my mom did.

00:18:35.675 --> 00:18:38.310
, Rosie Gill-Moss: Did you go no.

00:18:38.461 --> 00:18:40.141
Um, I just did it on my own.

00:18:40.611 --> 00:18:50.131
Um, I find the Facebook groups, so a couple Facebook groups that were part of, um, which my sister told me about, which did help.

00:18:50.161 --> 00:18:51.901
'cause when you're feeling a bit.

00:18:52.476 --> 00:18:53.405
there's always somebody there.

00:18:53.476 --> 00:18:54.836
There's always someone there, yeah.

00:18:55.355 --> 00:18:59.296
Um, and I've got through some quite tough times being sober as well.

00:18:59.296 --> 00:19:04.726
So, um, my aunt, who I live with, who I'm really close to, she's got cancer.

00:19:04.945 --> 00:19:05.836
We found that out.

00:19:05.836 --> 00:19:11.976
Um, she spent three months in hospital last year and she's, she's getting better now.

00:19:12.205 --> 00:19:17.195
Um, but before then I think I would have just turned to drink.

00:19:17.405 --> 00:19:18.076
Of course you would.

00:19:18.125 --> 00:19:19.205
Yeah, because what else do you do?

00:19:19.300 --> 00:19:23.550
Yeah, she said a million times, if you've got through this without a drink, then you can do anything.

00:19:24.230 --> 00:19:32.270
And then, obviously it's been like Kevin's anniversary, and my mum's anniversary came, and I lost my job, I got bed redundant.

00:19:32.615 --> 00:19:34.076
Oh, bloody hell, Vicky.

00:19:34.290 --> 00:19:34.800
I know.

00:19:35.250 --> 00:19:35.681
And this for

00:19:35.736 --> 00:19:37.036
What did you do in a past life?

00:19:37.101 --> 00:19:38.320
I must have been terrible.

00:19:38.611 --> 00:19:43.601
Um, and Kevin's anniversary and losing my job came, like, in the same week.

00:19:43.665 --> 00:19:47.336
And then my auntie Pat ended up back in hospital and I was like, oh my god, what is going on?

00:19:47.346 --> 00:19:51.185
But before, I'd have just gone, right, that's it, I'll get a bottle of gin, I'll be fine.

00:19:51.865 --> 00:19:59.326
Um, but this time, I was made to a job note on a Monday, I had a job interview on a Tuesday, and I started work again the following Monday,

00:19:59.546 --> 00:20:01.215
Oh, you absolute legend.

00:20:01.226 --> 00:20:01.905
Well done.

00:20:01.980 --> 00:20:04.539
got on with my life, yeah.

00:20:04.905 --> 00:20:05.165
Got on with

00:20:05.393 --> 00:20:06.246
sitting and

00:20:07.056 --> 00:20:07.316
Yeah.

00:20:08.486 --> 00:20:09.615
feeling sorry for myself.

00:20:10.425 --> 00:20:10.496
I

00:20:10.586 --> 00:20:10.945
And have you

00:20:11.006 --> 00:20:13.145
have a little bit of feeling sorry for myself.

00:20:13.145 --> 00:20:14.375
I had a few tears and then,

00:20:14.526 --> 00:20:15.125
You're allowed.

00:20:15.175 --> 00:20:16.476
yeah, a bit of fed up.

00:20:17.395 --> 00:20:18.965
But I just carried on.

00:20:19.871 --> 00:20:23.611
But those tears that you cry when you're not in an active addiction, it's different.

00:20:23.780 --> 00:20:26.891
Like, I used to wail like a banshee, you know, to sad songs.

00:20:26.891 --> 00:20:29.861
But that's, it was almost like it was forced or fake emotion.

00:20:30.280 --> 00:20:34.480
Whereas now when I cry, I know that what I'm doing is kind of getting out that is

00:20:34.556 --> 00:20:34.826
Yeah.

00:20:35.016 --> 00:20:35.536
Feeling it.

00:20:35.536 --> 00:20:38.556
Yeah.

00:20:38.651 --> 00:20:44.320
I was just wondering if you'd had any kind of real fuck it moments because I, I, I've had a couple, not, not many.

00:20:44.540 --> 00:20:56.810
They tend to leave my like mental health a bit wonky and I came in, it was actually on my birthday, my parents had come to visit, booked a table to go out for dinner, really looking forward to it and I just wake up with the shits about me.

00:20:56.921 --> 00:21:00.510
I was just in a fount, nobody could do right by doing wrong, you know?

00:21:01.111 --> 00:21:07.125
And I took myself off to Maidstone, which I don't know whether I've been to Maidstone, but I, um, you don't want to.

00:21:07.615 --> 00:21:12.215
So, I, I just sort of, you know, stomped around all grumpy and then I came home, and my mum and dad were there.

00:21:12.756 --> 00:21:16.665
And I think the first words out of my mouth were, Fuck this, I'm just gonna have a drink.

00:21:16.726 --> 00:21:18.486
Like, my life is shit anyway.

00:21:18.496 --> 00:21:20.036
You know, real, sort of, horrible,

00:21:20.476 --> 00:21:20.846
Feeling sorry

00:21:20.895 --> 00:21:22.655
spiky little porcupine.

00:21:23.645 --> 00:21:27.685
Um, Um, I looked at my dad's face, and, the end.

00:21:28.165 --> 00:21:31.266
He didn't say anything, but I could just see in his face like that.

00:21:31.476 --> 00:21:43.681
Please don't please don't and I didn't I didn't and I think it was almost like I had to say the words But I, it's, but no, I, I haven't, I haven't picked up a drink.

00:21:43.730 --> 00:21:45.721
And I think, and I also didn't do AA.

00:21:45.931 --> 00:21:49.161
Um, I tried it years ago and I didn't like it.

00:21:49.161 --> 00:21:52.381
I found it was a bit patronizing, a bit cliquey.

00:21:52.381 --> 00:21:54.510
And also I don't believe in a higher power.

00:21:54.721 --> 00:21:58.500
So for me to surrender to something I don't believe in would be really hypocritical.

00:21:59.201 --> 00:22:03.935
And I think also it's quite like, I don't know, it's quite infantilising.

00:22:03.945 --> 00:22:05.385
You know, I'm the boss of me.

00:22:05.496 --> 00:22:08.105
I'll decide if I drink, not some mythical creature.

00:22:09.076 --> 00:22:12.786
But then my dad's been sober, you know, and he even now will go to AA sometimes.

00:22:12.786 --> 00:22:15.846
I think he went to pick up his 25 year badge or something the other day.

00:22:16.145 --> 00:22:16.645
He popped in.

00:22:17.661 --> 00:22:18.111
Popped in.

00:22:18.625 --> 00:22:27.820
Um, I did have a sight thinking when I went on holiday, so I went on, I went to Thailand, to Vietnam, um,

00:22:27.836 --> 00:22:29.465
want to talk to you about this for sure.

00:22:29.871 --> 00:22:30.830
a few weeks ago.

00:22:31.131 --> 00:22:34.221
And before I would go in, I was thinking, do I drink?

00:22:34.221 --> 00:22:35.211
Do I not, do I drink?

00:22:35.211 --> 00:22:37.601
Do I not like, am on holiday?

00:22:37.661 --> 00:22:39.550
Do I just have a drink and enjoy myself?

00:22:39.780 --> 00:22:43.560
Um, and I spoke to a friend about it and she's like, I don't mind if you don't drink.

00:22:44.201 --> 00:22:46.661
She said, I can easily have a drink or not.

00:22:46.780 --> 00:22:48.641
It's, it's, it's not, it don't bother

00:22:48.776 --> 00:22:49.875
how normal of her.

00:22:50.030 --> 00:22:58.131
I know, so I, I just made the decision not to drink, um, and I absolutely loved it.

00:22:58.661 --> 00:23:01.770
I love getting up in the morning and remembering things.

00:23:01.770 --> 00:23:12.911
We went to yoga at 7am one morning or something stupid, um, and yeah, we, we could get up and do things, whereas I weren't just laying and feeling sorry for myself.

00:23:13.221 --> 00:23:13.510
I was

00:23:13.516 --> 00:23:14.796
Lurching from bar to bar.

00:23:15.300 --> 00:23:22.330
After all the walking and I won't be complaining because I'm not a big walker but my friend is Um, so I did definitely

00:23:22.596 --> 00:23:23.375
hurt from walking around

00:23:23.560 --> 00:23:23.891
yeah

00:23:23.895 --> 00:23:24.326
night.

00:23:25.240 --> 00:23:25.931
I was complaining.

00:23:25.931 --> 00:23:27.260
I'm like, oh, I've had enough.

00:23:28.060 --> 00:23:34.540
Um, but yeah, it was so nice not to be hungover and actually remember everything and

00:23:34.681 --> 00:23:39.240
I've just written down here that you've made the decision, and I think that's the really important bit.

00:23:39.240 --> 00:23:44.830
Because sometimes, I don't know how your brain works, but my brain's quite, um, defiant.

00:23:45.201 --> 00:23:47.770
So if I say to myself, you can't drink tonight.

00:23:48.351 --> 00:23:51.490
My little lizard brain will go, Nah, fuck it, I'm drinking.

00:23:51.901 --> 00:23:53.250
But if I say, well, it's up to you.

00:23:53.340 --> 00:23:55.131
Like, I can drink or I can not drink.

00:23:55.171 --> 00:23:56.671
That's entirely my choice.

00:23:56.851 --> 00:24:02.290
And I know that is kind of an AA, because you know, literally, sometimes you have to live hour to hour, or even minute to minute.

00:24:02.691 --> 00:24:07.871
And my dad says even now, he'll say sometimes, If I still want a drink in an hour, I'll have one.

00:24:08.790 --> 00:24:09.530
Because he knows he's not going to.

00:24:10.605 --> 00:24:12.816
But it's that you do have to make a choice.

00:24:12.865 --> 00:24:20.655
And I want to hear a bit more about your holiday, actually, because we are hoping to go to Thailand at some point in the not too distant future.

00:24:21.115 --> 00:24:24.875
Um, and much like you, I think this is, I now want to see the world.

00:24:25.385 --> 00:24:31.296
Before, I didn't really care where we were, because as long as it was an all inclusive and it had, you know, a pool and a beach, I was happy.

00:24:31.855 --> 00:24:38.230
But now, I want, I don't just want to You know, go walk to the bar, back to my sun lounger.

00:24:38.270 --> 00:24:40.641
I want to go and experience the world.

00:24:41.625 --> 00:24:43.226
uh, it was, it was fantastic.

00:24:43.445 --> 00:24:44.625
Like, it was just so good.

00:24:45.296 --> 00:24:45.665
I loved every

00:24:45.750 --> 00:24:46.391
So what did you do?

00:24:46.391 --> 00:24:47.570
Did you do a week in each?

00:24:47.625 --> 00:24:51.125
Um, we did five days in each, near enough.

00:24:51.405 --> 00:24:54.455
Um, so Vietnam, well, it was beautiful.

00:24:54.455 --> 00:24:56.905
It was just gorgeous.

00:24:57.300 --> 00:24:58.330
I'm torn between the two.

00:24:58.361 --> 00:24:59.260
What do you recommend?

00:24:59.496 --> 00:25:02.726
um, I'd definitely say, I wish I'd stayed in Thailand for longer.

00:25:03.040 --> 00:25:08.050
yeah, I think with the kids, perhaps it, it's a little bit more commercial.

00:25:08.050 --> 00:25:08.300
So

00:25:08.445 --> 00:25:08.746
Yeah,

00:25:09.681 --> 00:25:11.601
like, basically I want an easy life as well.

00:25:11.611 --> 00:25:13.500
I want to see the world, but I also want an easy life, Vicky.

00:25:13.776 --> 00:25:14.375
definitely.

00:25:15.056 --> 00:25:16.605
Life's too short not to be, isn't it?

00:25:17.461 --> 00:25:17.780
Yeah.

00:25:18.131 --> 00:25:19.151
And what about the travelling?

00:25:19.151 --> 00:25:20.240
How did you find that?

00:25:20.695 --> 00:25:22.675
Tiring, very tiring.

00:25:22.820 --> 00:25:24.361
That's my, that's where my resistance lies.

00:25:24.746 --> 00:25:30.135
I had restless legs on the plane and I thought I can't even go to sleep because like, the legs were just going crazy.

00:25:31.076 --> 00:25:36.266
Um, my friend will lay to sleep beside me, but it was, it was tiring, but it was worth it.

00:25:36.621 --> 00:25:37.101
Yeah.

00:25:37.695 --> 00:25:41.536
but the coming home bit is the worst, because you're like, you're

00:25:41.601 --> 00:25:42.381
no excitement, is there?

00:25:43.115 --> 00:25:48.026
and all you want is your own bed, and you're not going to get it for another 24 hours because you've got a five hour layover

00:25:48.215 --> 00:25:49.226
Oh, God.

00:25:49.226 --> 00:25:51.395
I don't know, this is, this is what puts me off.

00:25:51.395 --> 00:25:57.086
We flew, we went to Turkey at Easter, which is a four hour flight, and even that, it took me about three days to get over that.

00:25:57.826 --> 00:26:04.056
And I'm thinking about, um, air travel as well, and how the booze is part of that.

00:26:04.125 --> 00:26:10.155
I mean, airport bars, you know, you see people all the time, Facebook, oh, it's five in the morning, but it's airport rules.

00:26:10.155 --> 00:26:16.846
Um, And I have to say, there was a lot of people drinking on the way out and then on, 'cause it was packaged on the way back.

00:26:16.846 --> 00:26:20.506
He saw the same people and there was a young lad, you know, in a wheelchair.

00:26:20.506 --> 00:26:21.615
They wouldn't let him on the flight.

00:26:22.006 --> 00:26:25.306
And it's that, I, I mean, he was very young.

00:26:25.310 --> 00:26:30.885
I mean, we all made mistakes like that, but that kind of, oh, I'm at the airport, let's start drinking and then ordering the drinks on the plane.

00:26:30.885 --> 00:26:37.605
And I'm quite a nervous flyer and I'll sometimes think, oh, you know, just a, just a little miniature that would take the edge off.

00:26:37.635 --> 00:26:40.036
And obviously I don't, but I, I.

00:26:40.851 --> 00:26:46.760
I find, yeah, I find that quite strange because all you're doing is going to make that jet lag just that bit harder, right?

00:26:48.195 --> 00:26:51.286
Um, we went to, we booked the airport lounge on the way out.

00:26:51.826 --> 00:26:54.996
Um, and that was a little bit difficult.

00:26:54.996 --> 00:26:57.476
I was thinking, do I, do I, do I not have,

00:26:57.661 --> 00:26:58.500
poor on those, isn't

00:26:58.806 --> 00:26:59.326
yeah.

00:26:59.455 --> 00:27:00.516
Do I not have a champagne?

00:27:00.516 --> 00:27:01.026
Do I?

00:27:01.026 --> 00:27:02.165
Um, but I didn't.

00:27:02.165 --> 00:27:04.875
I opted for alcohol free lagers.

00:27:05.076 --> 00:27:06.465
Um, I think it were Heineken.

00:27:07.086 --> 00:27:11.205
Um, which I felt like I was just getting involved anyway.

00:27:11.205 --> 00:27:13.905
Yeah.

00:27:13.941 --> 00:27:20.520
night, so she, she's still, um, she's, she still drinks , and I, I ordered a mocktail and she ordered one and I said to her, I'll see you tonight.

00:27:20.611 --> 00:27:20.631
Yeah.

00:27:21.191 --> 00:27:22.101
Feel free to have a drink.

00:27:22.111 --> 00:27:23.820
And she's like, actually, um, it's a Monday.

00:27:23.851 --> 00:27:24.221
I'm fine.

00:27:24.221 --> 00:27:28.121
Just how strange, but it's, they're so good now.

00:27:28.151 --> 00:27:28.421
Right.

00:27:28.461 --> 00:27:29.000
That's so good.

00:27:29.000 --> 00:27:36.631
And I'm not a beer drink and I never was, but my drink on holiday, if they don't do mocktails shandy because most places will do a non alcoholic beer.

00:27:36.641 --> 00:27:44.961
And I, I, I, I just don't want to drink that many Cokes or lemonades because I'm not seven, you know, um, you feel a bit more grown up.

00:27:44.961 --> 00:27:47.080
And what about Kevin?

00:27:47.080 --> 00:27:49.520
Was he, was he a drinker?

00:27:49.871 --> 00:27:51.461
Yeah, we have squat every weekend.

00:27:51.471 --> 00:27:51.661
It works.

00:27:52.330 --> 00:27:58.250
Drinkery could get our ticket but we went out most weekends drinking and it

00:27:58.411 --> 00:28:01.030
As most young couples do, you know, go out drinking with your mates, don't you?

00:28:01.080 --> 00:28:03.740
Yeah, go out for cocktails and things like that.

00:28:04.070 --> 00:28:06.411
Um, but Ina went to stop whereas I never did.

00:28:06.411 --> 00:28:07.971
Uh, uh,

00:28:08.141 --> 00:28:20.901
was a drinker, but he were, I was just talking about this the other day to somebody, and he, he would drink, you know, one or two bottles of wine most evenings, but he never really got drunk.

00:28:20.911 --> 00:28:24.651
Like, I think I probably saw him properly drunk maybe three times in ten years.

00:28:25.290 --> 00:28:28.340
And, um, I guess that's, that's the difference isn't it?

00:28:28.340 --> 00:28:38.770
It's that not, it's he would drink because he liked the taste of it or he, whereas I would, I don't, you know, I hold my hands and I don't like alcohol, I don't like wine, it's disgusting.

00:28:39.520 --> 00:28:41.201
Yeah, it's not, not the best is it?

00:28:41.711 --> 00:28:44.661
Because I won't drink non alcoholic wine because it's disgusting.

00:28:45.530 --> 00:28:45.931
Um,

00:28:46.151 --> 00:28:47.790
I do like non alcoholic prosecco.

00:28:48.280 --> 00:28:48.740
yeah.

00:28:48.980 --> 00:28:50.040
Does it taste like Prosecco though?

00:28:50.250 --> 00:28:51.951
yeah, yeah, it was quite good.

00:28:52.961 --> 00:28:54.151
I'd rather have a schlur.

00:28:54.151 --> 00:28:55.050
I love a schlur.

00:28:55.050 --> 00:28:59.000
Not the schlurs, I've not got diabetes though, because of all the soft drinks I drink.

00:28:59.080 --> 00:29:00.461
the sugar's ridiculous isn't it?

00:29:01.340 --> 00:29:02.740
So what would you say then?

00:29:02.800 --> 00:29:06.121
Um, I mean obviously you've described a pretty shitty week.

00:29:06.191 --> 00:29:09.300
Um, do you think that was the hardest challenge you've faced, or do you think the travelling?

00:29:09.330 --> 00:29:12.891
Yeah, I think that were hardest, hardest, the shitty week.

00:29:12.925 --> 00:29:24.290
what, I mean, what would you say, it's kind of difficult because I imagine there's lots of them, but what, do you have a sort of out, um, like a standout positive that you've found from the sobriety?

00:29:24.651 --> 00:29:27.371
just not being an awful person.

00:29:28.300 --> 00:29:29.050
Aww.

00:29:29.990 --> 00:29:41.101
Not, I was selfish, I were awful, and like I say I had to apologise because of things I'd said or done, um, and I don't have to apologise anymore.

00:29:42.030 --> 00:29:42.361
Yeah.

00:29:42.671 --> 00:29:43.010
Do you know what?

00:29:43.010 --> 00:29:48.840
I can really relate to that actually because I, like I said, I wasn't a horrible drunk, but I was selfish.

00:29:48.881 --> 00:29:52.931
I was really selfish and once that drink was in me, nothing else really mattered.

00:29:53.151 --> 00:30:04.661
I mean, obviously if the kids needed me, I like to think I would have been able to pull it back, but it was, it, yeah, it, I became so different and my moral code became so different to the one that I actually live by.

00:30:05.230 --> 00:30:07.125
And yeah, I, I would.

00:30:07.715 --> 00:30:15.806
Do things and feel enormous shame and I, there's probably the odd exception, but I would say in the last two years, I haven't done anything that I've been ashamed of.

00:30:16.266 --> 00:30:24.046
And I think that if you look, if I look back over my life, that connection there, you know, not everything that I've done that I'm ashamed of has been done when I was drunk.

00:30:24.776 --> 00:30:28.885
So you remove that alcohol and then self acceptance first.

00:30:29.391 --> 00:30:41.141
But then that kind of grows into liking yourself and then you think okay I'm an alright human so I don't want to punish myself, which it is really when you're drinking to that level, that's a form of self harm, it's not, nobody's enjoying it are they?

00:30:41.651 --> 00:30:43.181
Especially not the next morning.

00:30:43.840 --> 00:30:44.240
Oh

00:30:44.280 --> 00:30:45.221
Definitely not.

00:30:45.621 --> 00:30:46.820
Um, but yeah.

00:30:47.050 --> 00:30:49.921
I don't have to get picked up out of the gutter anymore.

00:30:49.951 --> 00:30:53.851
I mean, there were times when my sister had to be called to pick me up off the floor.

00:30:54.340 --> 00:31:01.901
Um, at one point, before my mum died, I got into that much of a state, my sister had to come and get me and then my mum grounded me.

00:31:01.901 --> 00:31:02.021
Um.

00:31:02.021 --> 00:31:02.263
I will

00:31:02.381 --> 00:31:04.530
Your mum grounded you, how old were you?

00:31:04.776 --> 00:31:06.415
I was 33 and my mum ground me.

00:31:07.951 --> 00:31:08.401
I've won it in.

00:31:08.756 --> 00:31:12.205
She made me sleep at her house at the weekend so that I wouldn't go out.

00:31:12.205 --> 00:31:16.635
Um, and at that point I, you would probably have thought, yeah, yeah, it's a problem.

00:31:16.746 --> 00:31:17.365
But I didn't.

00:31:17.586 --> 00:31:18.205
I just carried on.

00:31:18.205 --> 00:31:19.023
Um, I

00:31:19.201 --> 00:31:23.641
And how did you react to that, did it sort of make you dig your heels in a little bit more or didn't you?

00:31:24.236 --> 00:31:25.635
like, oh, I can't believe this.

00:31:25.996 --> 00:31:28.226
Um, what do you mean I can't go and see my friends?

00:31:28.226 --> 00:31:30.675
I was, I was like, I was 15 again.

00:31:31.066 --> 00:31:31.576
Um,

00:31:31.800 --> 00:31:34.280
does make you into that sort of really selfish 15 year old.

00:31:34.310 --> 00:31:36.941
And it's just like little things, like my house is tidy.

00:31:36.990 --> 00:31:40.111
Like, I mean, I say tidy in the loosest sense, I got a lot of kids.

00:31:40.111 --> 00:31:43.580
But it's, it's not grubby, like the bin gets emptied.

00:31:43.580 --> 00:31:46.421
Because I've had everything else with slide.

00:31:46.941 --> 00:31:49.661
Because I wouldn't eat well, I certainly wouldn't exercise.

00:31:50.151 --> 00:31:54.151
I, the friendships I would have, I would used to ring people really drunk.

00:31:54.201 --> 00:31:56.260
I was really annoying, you know.

00:31:56.891 --> 00:32:01.721
At like three in the morning, and I remember one of my friends going like, Grace, I love you, but please don't ring me at three in the morning.

00:32:01.721 --> 00:32:02.641
I've got work in the morning.

00:32:03.040 --> 00:32:06.141
And you just feel, and you feel a bit of a taint, I suppose.

00:32:06.740 --> 00:32:08.381
You feel so stupid next day, don't you?

00:32:08.961 --> 00:32:10.810
It's the fear, I don't, it's the fear.

00:32:10.881 --> 00:32:13.026
You know that first moment when you open your eyes.

00:32:13.185 --> 00:32:15.215
And you think, oh god, what did I do?

00:32:15.586 --> 00:32:21.385
And this morning I woke up, and I woke up a little bit later than usual, because I went, oh, I went to bed at 11 o'clock last night, Vicky.

00:32:21.385 --> 00:32:23.155
I know, go me, go, right?

00:32:23.395 --> 00:32:26.326
And I woke up, and I was, I'd sort of woken up face down.

00:32:27.036 --> 00:32:32.635
And I was like, and I opened my eyes, and I just thought, one of the first thoughts was, thank god I wasn't drinking.

00:32:33.290 --> 00:32:38.490
Because everything, you know, just getting up and doing the school run, there's no way I'd have gone to Zumba this morning.

00:32:39.171 --> 00:32:42.861
I'd have been sitting eating crisps in my pyjamas until it was school pick up time.

00:32:44.851 --> 00:32:45.121
Um,

00:32:45.320 --> 00:32:47.701
now you, you look very different.

00:32:47.810 --> 00:32:54.000
Um, I've seen that side by side picture on your, in fact, just, um, say the name of your Instagram account for listeners, because you've got a new Instagram, haven't you?

00:32:54.101 --> 00:32:55.790
Queen of Sobriety UK.

00:32:56.961 --> 00:32:59.050
I love that name, I can't believe it wasn't already taken.

00:32:59.211 --> 00:32:59.691
I can.

00:33:00.550 --> 00:33:01.131
I stole it.

00:33:01.131 --> 00:33:02.911
Yeah.

00:33:03.375 --> 00:33:05.435
somewhere because that was going to be my next podcast.

00:33:05.445 --> 00:33:07.955
And then it sort of warped into Rosie FM.

00:33:08.586 --> 00:33:13.625
Um, so physically, obviously you have lost weight, haven't you?

00:33:13.665 --> 00:33:14.155
Yeah.

00:33:14.226 --> 00:33:20.125
And that's, it's a side effect that I, I actually didn't experience when I first gave up alcohol because I didn't use it.

00:33:20.256 --> 00:33:20.435
I would.

00:33:20.990 --> 00:33:22.980
I kind of forget to eat because I was too busy drinking vodka.

00:33:23.401 --> 00:33:31.601
And then to replace the sugar of the alcohol, I have never really had a sweet tooth and suddenly I see ice cream, puddings.

00:33:32.510 --> 00:33:35.080
So initially I was like, Oh, well this is shit.

00:33:35.111 --> 00:33:39.480
I was promised the body of a, you know, a Brazilian model after I gave up alcohol.

00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:40.790
But then I found.

00:33:41.976 --> 00:33:48.955
Suddenly after the two years, or kind of without trying for the first time in my life, my body has just found a comfortable size and stuck at it.

00:33:48.986 --> 00:33:51.486
And I can, within reason, I can eat whatever I want.

00:33:52.016 --> 00:34:02.736
Um, I probably wouldn't, but I also make better choices because I'm not craving the salty, fatty, carby crap that I, yeah, I haven't eaten a McDonald's since I gave up drinking, you know.

00:34:02.931 --> 00:34:03.800
Oh, have you not?

00:34:04.010 --> 00:34:05.510
Oh, I do like McDonald's.

00:34:07.020 --> 00:34:13.021
I do like, um, a lot of rubbish food, but I, I feel like I enjoy food more.

00:34:13.885 --> 00:34:14.525
yeah.

00:34:15.070 --> 00:34:19.840
I, I enjoy going out for food rather than going out drinking.

00:34:20.335 --> 00:34:24.596
Yeah, and then getting a dirty burger on the way home and sort of smearing it into your hair when you're asleep.

00:34:24.596 --> 00:34:26.385
Yeah, we're so, we're so classy.

00:34:26.945 --> 00:34:27.335
But,

00:34:27.690 --> 00:34:28.260
Chili sauce.

00:34:29.440 --> 00:34:29.590
Yeah.

00:34:29.596 --> 00:34:29.806
That

00:34:30.365 --> 00:34:31.115
the garlic breath.

00:34:31.315 --> 00:34:31.606
yeah.

00:34:32.545 --> 00:34:39.856
Yeah, my friend and I said this last night because, um, you know, we partied pretty hard in our 20s and then we were going to, we went to a really nice restaurant.

00:34:39.936 --> 00:34:43.715
It was quite fancy actually, but there was, um, 50 percent off before six o'clock.

00:34:43.726 --> 00:34:43.945
So

00:34:44.396 --> 00:34:44.686
Okay.

00:34:45.155 --> 00:34:47.936
and it, it was really, and we had sushi and it, it was.

00:34:48.971 --> 00:34:51.231
Yeah, just to really enjoy the food.

00:34:51.271 --> 00:34:54.530
And she was saying to me, Oh, this is kind of like the food that you had at your birthday.

00:34:54.530 --> 00:34:57.911
And I was like, What the birthday was the last night I drank?

00:34:57.920 --> 00:34:59.271
Because I don't remember that food.

00:34:59.976 --> 00:35:00.266
Yeah.

00:35:00.266 --> 00:35:05.405
So you mentioned that your, um, your family and your sister particularly have really noticed a difference.

00:35:05.706 --> 00:35:12.056
I just wanted to kind of draw back into a little bit about your friendships, your friendship groups, and have you noticed changes within your friendship circle?

00:35:12.096 --> 00:35:13.425
Because I know I did.

00:35:14.070 --> 00:35:15.041
not really.

00:35:15.451 --> 00:35:20.010
I mean I had friends that I thought, well just drinking friends really,

00:35:20.096 --> 00:35:20.956
Yeah, drinking buddies.

00:35:21.021 --> 00:35:25.791
yeah, but I've got me, me real friends have always stuck by me and been, been supportive.

00:35:25.791 --> 00:35:28.911
Um, I were friends with everyone when I was drinking.

00:35:29.411 --> 00:35:33.771
Like, I didn't care who our friends were, but now it's just a select few.

00:35:34.481 --> 00:35:41.641
Um, and like I say, some people don't understand, and I went to a pub a few weeks ago and someone said, do you not think you're barring?

00:35:42.815 --> 00:35:44.346
Oh wow!

00:35:44.385 --> 00:35:45.195
I don't actually, but

00:35:45.436 --> 00:35:47.795
Did you throw your non alcoholic beer at him?

00:35:47.885 --> 00:35:49.905
Yeah, but, um, alright.

00:35:50.146 --> 00:35:51.936
No, I don't think I'm boring.

00:35:52.425 --> 00:35:55.835
I think I'm alive and a safer person.

00:35:56.425 --> 00:35:58.186
And a better person for it.

00:35:58.376 --> 00:36:04.356
the real person as well, because this kind of show off persona that I had, it wasn't really me.

00:36:04.516 --> 00:36:04.536
No.

00:36:04.536 --> 00:36:07.389
No.

00:36:08.175 --> 00:36:15.139
One of the things I heard on either a podcast or an audio book is that I sort of immersed myself in sober literature.

00:36:15.139 --> 00:36:19.726
And I found that what there is now is a lot of stuff by women aimed at women.

00:36:19.896 --> 00:36:24.905
Because, you know, again, refer back to AA, it's a quite a masculine sort of setup.

00:36:25.706 --> 00:36:32.036
Now, um, one of the things that I heard, and it really stuck with me, and it was that you drink to lose your inhibitions.

00:36:32.606 --> 00:36:34.376
But your inhibitions are there to protect you.

00:36:34.846 --> 00:37:00.315
So we took, you know, you and I, I, I, God forbid if we'd ever gone out together mate, but the talking to strangers, not being able to pick up if somebody was following you, um, inviting people back, you know, everybody back to mine, you know, more so before I had the kids, but like you'd sort of wake up in the morning and there'd just been like people lying on your sofa and things like that, that's so dangerous, but you don't give a shit when you're drinking.

00:37:00.396 --> 00:37:03.365
Mm,

00:37:03.545 --> 00:37:06.525
mine like, come on, yeah, yeah, it's pubs closed,

00:37:06.646 --> 00:37:07.585
carry on party.

00:37:07.635 --> 00:37:13.715
Yeah, um, but yeah, it is scary to think that some of the situations that you could have put yourself into

00:37:14.246 --> 00:37:14.695
Mm.

00:37:15.795 --> 00:37:20.445
and probably did put yourself into, but it's, it is really scary.

00:37:21.135 --> 00:37:22.536
I would never do that sober.

00:37:22.585 --> 00:37:24.146
I'd never say, oh yeah, yeah, just come to my aid.

00:37:24.146 --> 00:37:25.025
Why

00:37:25.195 --> 00:37:26.675
No, no, no, of course not.

00:37:27.036 --> 00:37:31.016
And, like, so many things, I, you sort of say to yourself, well, would I have done it if I wasn't drunk?

00:37:31.016 --> 00:37:33.106
And it's, the answer is, like, always no, right?

00:37:33.306 --> 00:37:33.766
not?

00:37:34.635 --> 00:37:41.036
And I hadn't, don't get me wrong, I, I, I also think I shouldn't, because then you find, I, well.

00:37:41.695 --> 00:37:42.376
Put my teeth back in.

00:37:43.096 --> 00:37:47.835
I almost felt trapped in the drinking cycle because I'd been committed to it for so long.

00:37:48.036 --> 00:37:49.695
Because who was I without it?

00:37:50.235 --> 00:37:55.376
And also, I would Actually, this is like a therapy session, Vicky, because it's all coming out now.

00:37:55.755 --> 00:38:01.545
But I also felt like, had I It almost kind of undermined my life up until that point.

00:38:01.965 --> 00:38:02.795
Does that make sense?

00:38:02.806 --> 00:38:03.706
I know it's a bit convoluted.

00:38:04.210 --> 00:38:13.681
I'm told, yeah, it just, you wake up on a Monday hurting yourself but by Wednesday you're happy to go and go to the pub again and have another drink.

00:38:13.715 --> 00:38:32.356
yeah, I would be, because that's it, I generally wouldn't drink Monday to Tuesday, and then by Wednesday, I'd be like, Just get a bottle of wine with dinner, you know, we'll share a bottle of wine, and then of course, John is not a big drinker at all, I mean, we've had a few good nights out, but he, He's a person that can take it, like take it or leave it.

00:38:32.826 --> 00:38:36.766
So I'd, you know, be pouring this wine and he'd be like, Oh no, no, I don't fancy it.

00:38:36.775 --> 00:38:37.865
So I'd be like, well, I'll finish it.

00:38:37.876 --> 00:38:41.865
And then it's like, all right, can I get to the shop before it closes to get another bottle?

00:38:42.365 --> 00:38:44.443
And I, we live next door to a restaurant.

00:38:44.443 --> 00:38:46.556
It's a pub restaurant, it's a nice big old restaurant.

00:38:46.846 --> 00:38:50.690
Um, and I, you know, I went in there like barefoot to buy a bottle.

00:38:50.690 --> 00:38:53.476
It's, it's that, it's never going to be enough.

00:38:53.476 --> 00:38:59.561
You're never, you're lying to yourself if you think you can just have that couple of glasses of wine and, Then go to bed like a normal

00:38:59.701 --> 00:39:01.210
and I'm a person, you just can't do it.

00:39:01.561 --> 00:39:03.431
Um, I wish I could have done it.

00:39:03.860 --> 00:39:05.221
Um, my friends can do it.

00:39:05.431 --> 00:39:06.831
My friends can still believe it.

00:39:07.371 --> 00:39:08.661
Um, but I can't.

00:39:08.760 --> 00:39:22.320
I have got some really close friends that, um, like I say, I used to go out drinking with them but now they're, they're quite happy for me to come along and, and have me alcohol free and, and still support me which I'm, I'm really happy about because

00:39:23.041 --> 00:39:29.840
because they like you rather than the drunk you and I think that's where the, kind of, that's where real friendship is born.

00:39:30.471 --> 00:39:39.331
And I, I, so I stopped drinking two years ago, so my daughter started school when I was Yeah, September after.

00:39:39.891 --> 00:39:43.501
And so all the friends I've made at school have never known me drunk.

00:39:43.971 --> 00:39:49.181
And I've got a really lovely group of friends, really, I'm very lucky, they're really nice women.

00:39:49.721 --> 00:39:53.726
And I'll go out with them, and normally it'll get to about 9, 9.

00:39:53.726 --> 00:40:05.351
30, and the atmosphere will change, because it's the old individual, your spidey senses start going, you're like, oh, they're a bit leery, and I'll just be like, right girls, have a great time, I'll see you, you know, see you tomorrow.

00:40:06.041 --> 00:40:06.570
And yeah, it's been great.

00:40:07.010 --> 00:40:07.771
Nobody cares.

00:40:07.771 --> 00:40:11.440
Like, I think people thought, I think I thought I was going to let people down by not

00:40:11.561 --> 00:40:20.440
I thought, I used to think, oh they're not going to want to be my friend anymore, and I'm not drinking, and, and, but they're your friends, they're going to support you.

00:40:20.931 --> 00:40:24.670
And a few weeks ago I said, oh I could really do with a drink if a friend were like, no you can't,

00:40:25.431 --> 00:40:25.771
Yeah.

00:40:25.851 --> 00:40:30.748
you definitely couldn't do with a drink, but it's, it's not going to help you, so,

00:40:31.010 --> 00:40:39.731
See, Lulu got sober, um, almost a year after I did, and um, she was here on my birthday when I was like, I don't know if I can drink.

00:40:40.141 --> 00:40:43.400
Now, she's quite smart because she'll just be like, okay, okay.

00:40:43.976 --> 00:40:45.885
That's fine, if that's what you want to do, that's fine.

00:40:46.476 --> 00:40:48.755
Because she knows the way that my brain ticks.

00:40:48.795 --> 00:40:52.536
And if she was to say to me, Oh, don't be ridiculous Rosie, you know, don't have a drink.

00:40:53.306 --> 00:40:55.905
There's no faster way to make me open a bottle, right?

00:40:57.851 --> 00:41:04.481
I, I have got some very, some very supportive friends, like, um, my friends that were here for me when Kevin died.

00:41:04.940 --> 00:41:08.510
Um, they're still here for me through this chapter.

00:41:09.155 --> 00:41:24.226
Because often what can happen is, friends within your social circle who have got their own issues with alcohol, I find they will sort of retract from me, because what you're doing essentially is kind of shining a light, because I think, if you were the worst drinker, right?

00:41:24.425 --> 00:41:27.340
Everyone's thinking, well, I'm not as bad as her.

00:41:27.780 --> 00:41:28.920
So I'm alright.

00:41:29.360 --> 00:41:39.570
But I used to genuinely say, you know, I can remember going out for dinner with this, sorry, off an attention, but, before, the mothers I would seek out at the school gates would be the ones that drank.

00:41:39.931 --> 00:41:44.840
I'd, I'd make a beeline, I could sort of tell who would be, you know, a bit of a wild one.

00:41:45.351 --> 00:41:54.121
And I can remember going out for a meal once, and there was, I don't know, four or five of us, and one of the women, she drove, and I think I actually said to her face, Well, why have you come then?

00:41:54.800 --> 00:42:00.800
Like, how rude! How rude! And now I realise that people come out when they're sober, they really want to be there.

00:42:01.141 --> 00:42:01.541
Yeah.

00:42:02.030 --> 00:42:08.900
And I think people now think, oh well, Vicky's not drinking so she'll be driving, but I'm like, now I'm going home when I want to go home.

00:42:09.181 --> 00:42:09.800
Yeah,

00:42:10.161 --> 00:42:12.170
I'm not, I'm not taxi service.

00:42:12.320 --> 00:42:12.481
I'm

00:42:12.900 --> 00:42:13.920
don't mind driving there.

00:42:13.920 --> 00:42:15.001
But you can get your own way back.

00:42:15.001 --> 00:42:23.130
Yeah, that's exactly what I do because I'm quite happy to drive there and I, I, I also love the fact that I can leave any situation under my own steam.

00:42:23.130 --> 00:42:27.840
You're not reliant on a getting a taxi or a lift or trying to find your way home in the dark?

00:42:27.956 --> 00:42:28.416
Oh.

00:42:29.275 --> 00:42:30.576
Tried to get last train home.

00:42:30.960 --> 00:42:31.951
Oh, I've broken up.

00:42:31.951 --> 00:42:37.590
I used to live in London and Gillingham, was the last train, which is ironically not far from where I live now.

00:42:38.041 --> 00:42:40.021
I used to, and I, I used to wake up there.

00:42:40.771 --> 00:42:46.490
And then it'd be a 50, 60 quid cab back home, and, oh, the money, right?

00:42:46.510 --> 00:42:48.280
How much money have you saved?

00:42:48.615 --> 00:42:49.755
I've saved a fortune.

00:42:50.050 --> 00:42:50.811
Yeah.

00:42:50.905 --> 00:42:52.505
for Thailand just by not drinking.

00:42:52.690 --> 00:42:53.791
Yeah, it's incredible.

00:42:53.791 --> 00:42:57.840
I have got an app, and it's a very approximate thing, but it sort of adds up how much you've saved.

00:42:57.840 --> 00:42:59.971
And the other one is how many hours you've got back.

00:43:00.061 --> 00:43:01.471
And I like to have a little look sometimes.

00:43:01.690 --> 00:43:03.791
I'm not entirely sure where that money has gone, if I'm

00:43:03.806 --> 00:43:04.485
No, me neither.

00:43:05.056 --> 00:43:08.146
But probably all those are food.

00:43:08.161 --> 00:43:08.880
doesn't matter does it?

00:43:08.891 --> 00:43:10.621
It doesn't matter because you've actually enjoyed it.

00:43:11.010 --> 00:43:16.320
It's, it's, I mean alcohol is so expensive now, I really, I don't know how young people can even afford it.

00:43:18.425 --> 00:43:21.085
I used to spend about 100 on that

00:43:21.221 --> 00:43:22.661
Oh easy, easy.

00:43:22.831 --> 00:43:25.161
Do you get very generous as well, start buying other people drinks?

00:43:25.201 --> 00:43:25.701
Yeah.

00:43:25.702 --> 00:43:26.235
I drink?

00:43:26.235 --> 00:43:27.036
Do I drink?

00:43:27.036 --> 00:43:27.315
Yeah.

00:43:27.936 --> 00:43:28.646
Yeah, that were me.

00:43:28.985 --> 00:43:32.106
I'll get round a shot soon and I'll get this.

00:43:32.721 --> 00:43:35.911
Spend the last money you had on a drink rather than a cab home.

00:43:36.911 --> 00:43:37.300
Yeah.

00:43:38.056 --> 00:43:38.646
Definitely.

00:43:39.460 --> 00:44:03.251
And I sort of think the signs that you have a problem with alcohol are if you're bargaining with yourself over I'm only going to drink in the week, or if you're hiding how much you're drinking and I think that for me was a really big one because I was sneaking bottles out of my house because my mum and dad lived with me when Ben died for three months and I was sneaking bottles in the car and putting them into the school recycling bottle bank Are you?

00:44:04.530 --> 00:44:09.161
But I, if you don't want anybody else knowing, the chances are you shouldn't be doing it.

00:44:09.161 --> 00:44:11.380
It's kind of a good mantra for life, really.

00:44:12.215 --> 00:44:13.215
Um, yeah, it was.

00:44:13.755 --> 00:44:16.146
Yeah, I'd, I'd get up and I'd be like, Oh, I'm fine.

00:44:16.286 --> 00:44:17.965
Like, I weren't that bad last night.

00:44:17.965 --> 00:44:19.815
But I definitely were.

00:44:19.990 --> 00:44:24.150
And then the shame creeps in, and the easiest way to get rid of the shame is to have another drink, of course.

00:44:25.510 --> 00:44:31.365
So, Vicky, I mean, I've got, what, what, what, Is life like for you now?

00:44:31.365 --> 00:44:40.115
Like I know that we've sort of talked a little bit about the fact that you're trying out your new things and you're traveling What?

00:44:41.135 --> 00:44:42.286
What is life like for you?

00:44:42.286 --> 00:44:44.576
Because obviously your Kevin's not here.

00:44:44.626 --> 00:44:45.186
And so

00:44:46.286 --> 00:44:47.706
I feel my feelings now.

00:44:48.186 --> 00:44:48.795
I will say that.

00:44:49.431 --> 00:44:58.661
Um, so today would have been four years since Kevin's funeral, um, which before I would have just thought, let's have a drink.

00:44:59.226 --> 00:45:00.195
Excuse the drink right

00:45:00.291 --> 00:45:03.010
Yeah, um, but I'm feeling my feelings.

00:45:03.731 --> 00:45:21.670
It's tough, it's not easy, uh, some days I'm like really down, but I can just take myself out of a situation and process it myself now, whereas before I wouldn't have done, I'd have just carried on drinking and then dealt with problems next morning, which

00:45:21.715 --> 00:45:22.806
Somewhere down the line

00:45:22.981 --> 00:45:29.681
times worse, um, or they just bottled up as the saying goes, um, and exploded, but life's,

00:45:29.865 --> 00:45:30.206
in our case

00:45:30.570 --> 00:45:49.471
yeah, life's more positive, definitely, um, I think I deal with things a lot better than I used to do, I don't fly off handle as much, um, and if something bad's happening I can kind of work out and try and deal with it myself then, rather than just throwing a siffet.

00:45:50.251 --> 00:45:54.530
So like with my job, before, if I'd have lost my job I'd have been straight in pub.

00:45:55.501 --> 00:46:03.331
I, the redundancy pay would have been drunk, drunk away, um, same as like with Cummings Life Insurance.

00:46:03.811 --> 00:46:06.871
I, I will always say that I drunk, probably drunk most of that away.

00:46:07.820 --> 00:46:09.351
Uh, because it was money I didn't want.

00:46:09.920 --> 00:46:10.601
I didn't want that money.

00:46:11.280 --> 00:46:11.851
Um,

00:46:11.925 --> 00:46:27.385
Yeah, and I know other people that, you know, have had quite significant life insurance and have, um, literally drunk it all because when it's almost, I mean, yes, it's very helpful because you do need financial support, but it's almost like they need to, they should give us a little bit of time.

00:46:28.175 --> 00:46:29.576
Process the grief then you can have the money.

00:46:30.005 --> 00:46:36.416
But I really relate to this feeling of the feelings and there were times in early sobriety where I really didn't want to feel those feelings.

00:46:36.445 --> 00:46:52.751
And I found It was like being thrust back into the early days of bereavement because everything was so raw and so tangible and it's trying to get through that tough bit so you realise you can come through the other side.

00:46:53.070 --> 00:46:53.490
yeah.

00:46:53.831 --> 00:46:58.791
And I have my safe space which is my bed, so if I'm having a bad day, I just take myself to bed.

00:46:59.371 --> 00:46:59.661
And.

00:46:59.690 --> 00:47:01.110
my bed, I'm like a door mouse.

00:47:01.650 --> 00:47:03.311
just get in bed, put a series on.

00:47:03.351 --> 00:47:07.420
I don't sleep very much, well very well but I did last night to be fair.

00:47:07.891 --> 00:47:12.001
Um, but I'll just put a series on telly or a film on and just be on me own.

00:47:12.440 --> 00:47:12.820
Um,

00:47:12.990 --> 00:47:14.831
audiobook for me, I love an audiobook.

00:47:15.081 --> 00:47:21.701
I like to take myself out of the situation if I, cause if not I'm just going to snap at someone or say something I don't want to say.

00:47:21.951 --> 00:47:22.471
So if I

00:47:22.476 --> 00:47:29.865
even being that self aware and knowing that that's the best thing to do for yourself, that's really quite difficult sometimes, and the fact that you're managing to do that.

00:47:30.576 --> 00:47:33.666
Now, my final question really, unless you have anything you want to

00:47:33.981 --> 00:47:34.121
No.

00:47:35.106 --> 00:47:46.335
is, um, just any advice that you have for anybody who is questioning their drinking, you know, the grey area drinking, or perhaps somebody who's in full blown addiction, is just, what, what advice would you give them?

00:47:46.896 --> 00:47:48.146
Just to give it a try.

00:47:48.576 --> 00:47:56.786
Even if you just want, if you think I'll not have a drink for a week, and then see how you feel after the week, just keep going.

00:47:58.135 --> 00:47:59.485
Because it's definitely worth it.

00:47:59.916 --> 00:48:00.525
100%.

00:48:01.460 --> 00:48:06.780
And I think you're right, this idea that you try it, because I, you've got the dry January and stuff.

00:48:06.871 --> 00:48:12.311
So before October and all this sort of thing, but I particularly the January one, I think it's like a penance.

00:48:12.871 --> 00:48:21.541
So people suffer through it, you know, they're literally counting down the days and it almost tarnishes what sobriety is because it's something to endure something to get through.

00:48:21.931 --> 00:48:26.291
So I did a hundred days and I, I, I did a lot of bargaining with myself.

00:48:26.311 --> 00:48:29.740
You know, if you, you can do the a hundred days, if you miss alcohol, you can just go back to it.

00:48:30.460 --> 00:48:34.161
But in that timescale, I, I did weddings, funerals.

00:48:35.121 --> 00:48:36.581
Bad things happen, good things happen.

00:48:36.581 --> 00:48:42.661
And I think you've got to experience real life without alcohol in order to know whether you like it or not.

00:48:43.195 --> 00:48:43.706
definitely.

00:48:44.036 --> 00:48:46.445
Um, I'm 290 days sober today.

00:48:46.630 --> 00:48:48.061
Congratulations, Vicky.

00:48:48.061 --> 00:48:51.661
I look forward, I very much look forward to hearing from you on your one year anniversary.

00:48:51.670 --> 00:48:55.090
Because that's a real milestone, you should be really proud of yourself.

00:48:55.130 --> 00:48:57.701
Because it, it really, really isn't easy.

00:48:58.010 --> 00:49:04.221
And all those, all those feelings that you, you're, you're having to now feel, um, that it's exhausting.

00:49:04.251 --> 00:49:05.621
And I think that you are.

00:49:07.065 --> 00:49:08.585
I'm going to say it, inspirational.

00:49:08.686 --> 00:49:09.646
There you go, I said it.

00:49:09.925 --> 00:49:10.956
Thank you.

00:49:11.965 --> 00:49:14.505
Thank you for speaking to me so candidly today, Vicky.

00:49:14.505 --> 00:49:15.735
It really has been a pleasure.

00:49:15.735 --> 00:49:26.226
And if anybody else out there has been affected by these issues or, you know, wants to talk to somebody about what it's like having alcohol addiction or, you know, perhaps you're questioning your own drinking, my inbox is open.

00:49:26.326 --> 00:49:29.585
Please do drop me a message and I'm sure Vicky would as well.

00:49:29.851 --> 00:49:36.891
I'm, yeah, I'm quite happy to answer any questions and I'm looking forward to my first sober event in Manchester.

00:49:36.891 --> 00:49:38.431
So,

00:49:38.496 --> 00:49:38.686
this?

00:49:38.686 --> 00:49:38.885
What's

00:49:38.911 --> 00:49:39.121
it's

00:49:39.135 --> 00:49:39.206
you're doing?

00:49:39.940 --> 00:49:40.641
a Bingo AF.

00:49:40.871 --> 00:49:42.380
It's a, they've got a

00:49:44.061 --> 00:49:45.311
Did you say Flamingo AF?

00:49:46.021 --> 00:49:49.170
I love it! That's right, that's a bit on brand for us, isn't it?

00:49:50.715 --> 00:49:51.686
they do parties.

00:49:51.876 --> 00:49:52.686
Sober parties.

00:49:52.686 --> 00:49:53.976
It's in a nightclub I think.

00:49:54.525 --> 00:49:56.556
Um, and everyone that goes is sober.

00:49:57.135 --> 00:49:58.436
And they have different themes.

00:49:58.465 --> 00:50:00.286
So this is the first one that we've been to.

00:50:01.126 --> 00:50:04.715
So I'm really, I'm nervous about it, but excited at the same

00:50:04.880 --> 00:50:06.130
I'm gonna let you be the guinea pig.

00:50:06.130 --> 00:50:09.070
You come back and tell me if that was good and then maybe I'll join you for the next one.

00:50:09.155 --> 00:50:10.516
join, yeah, definitely.

00:50:11.030 --> 00:50:15.990
Thank you Vicki for sharing your story today and thank you to everybody out there who's listening.

00:50:16.396 --> 00:50:17.246
Thank you.

00:50:17.695 --> 00:50:18.346
Bye bye.

00:50:18.385 --> 00:50:18.996
Bye.